I know you all have been waiting for my Mommy Vacation Recap - so I thought it would be a fitting tribute to Mother's Day to tell you how much I enjoyed my Mother's Day present. That, and we got our new computer, so I can finally write it!
A good friend of mine is the author of a hilarious blog - Normal Mormon Husbands - and he often writes of his family travels in an hour-by-hour travelogue format. I decided to steal a page from his book and document my trip NMH style. It's just funnier that way.
Friday, 4/10:
12:30 PM - Michael comes home from work and tells me he's "on duty" and I am now free to leave for my vacation whenever I want. I make the last of my preparations, telling him I'll be out the door in 15 minutes.
1:30 PM - I take pictures of the girls eating on the front porch with Michael. It's just so funny to see a baby sitting up in a tiny Bumbo seat. Oh yeah, didn't I say I was leaving an hour ago?
1:45 PM - I actually leave the house... only to head over to Old Navy to make a return, and then to Target to also make a return, and purchase some munchies and other goodies for the trip. Hey, I'm on vacation. And even though running errands and making returns isn't glamorous, doing it without kids is fabulous!
2:30 PM - Realize that I spent way too long (and way too much money) at Target. Oops! This is what happens when you go shopping without kids. You dawdle. You browse. You see things you want.
5:45 PM - Arrive in Asheville after driving through horrible rainstorms. Find my hotel and check into my room.
5:46 PM - Take pictures of my room as is, so Michael can see where I spent my fabulous, kid-free night.
5:46:30 PM - Realize that all hotel rooms look the same and the fact I felt a need to document my particular room is a sad commentary on how seldom I get out.
5:50 PM - Leave my room to find the dining room/pool/other amenities. Get lost. Have a charming English man hold a door open for me. He is traveling with his two kids, who are saying things like, "Dad, look at this hotel!" and "Awesome!" and "Wow!" (even funnier when you add the English accent). Think that maybe I'm not so lame for taking pictures of my hotel room. Better than the alternative - that I'm as easily impressed as a 9-year-old.
5:50:30 PM - Remember that I overheard 2 other families in Target who had English accents, and heard a mother and daughter conversing in the lobby of the hotel with English accents too. Decide that I will spend the rest of the weekend speaking in an English accent as well.
5:51 PM - Say "Ello!" to someone in the hall. Decide I'm way too self-conscious of a person to pull off the English accent this weekend.
5:52 PM - Find the pool. No one is swimming. Maybe I won't be swimming after all. Because if I'm too self-conscious to use a fake English accent, I'm definitely WAY too self-conscious to go swimming by myself in a pool that has a glass wall exposing it to the lobby.
6:08 PM - Need to pump, so unpack pumping supplies. Can't find the bottles to attach to the pump. Panic and realize I'm going to have to get creative. Start rummaging through the kitchen drawers to find tape and Ziplock bags.
6:11 PM - Find the bottles. Thank goodness. My homemade contraption was going to be a disaster.
6:30 PM - Decide to head to dinner. Since having kids, my standard makeup regiment is powder, blush, and mascara. I throw on eyeliner, shadow, and lip gloss for church. But in packing for this trip, I brought my whole makeup case - full of my expensive makeup I used to wear when I was working. Multiple shades of lipstick, shadow, and eyeliner. I decide to take my time to get ready and wear "non Mommy" makeup.
6:38 PM - Ready. Hmmm... It used to take 20 minutes to put this amount of makeup on. Either I've gotten much more efficient, or I did it wrong.
6:40 PM - Head to the car only to discover it's pouring. And the umbrella's in the car.
6:41 PM - Pull into Red Lobster parking lot. Discover that it's the only restaurant in Asheville worth going to, because EVERY parking space is taken. Me and three other cars are playing a slow game of musical chairs for anyone looking like they might be leaving. The restaurant's only a block away from the hotel. If it weren't pouring down rain, I would leave the car at the hotel and walk.
6:43 PM - Spot a Mini Cooper with a British flag vanity plate. Can't resist the urge to start talking with an English accent to myself in the car.
6:46 PM - Finally give up on the Red Lobster parking lot and decide to park next door. There are large "Parking for Red Lobster on other side of the building" signs. But I'm starving. So I park there anyway and grab the umbrella.
6:46:30 PM - See the "we will tow your butt" sign a few yards down from my car. Knowing my luck, I will get towed, and it will totally ruin my mommy vacation. Get back in the car and head back over to the mind-numbing game of gasoline-powered musical chairs.
6:47 PM - Find a parking spot immediately while the other cars who have been there longer continue to circle the lot. Suckers!
6:47:30 PM - See masses of people huddled under the restaurants awning, trying not to get wet while they wait for their table. They would probably be waiting inside, but the lobby is jam-packed, too. I would go somewhere else, but Michael gave me a gift certificate here, so I'm in for the wait. Plus, I'm alone, so what difference does it make. This will give me a chance to come up with my back story, so when I use my British accent, I can tell people where I'm from and what I'm doing in Asheville, NC of all places.
6:48 PM - Approach the hostess stand running through names of towns I know in England: Surry, London, Notting Hill...
6:48:30 PM - Tell the hostess "party of one, non-smoking." It would have sounded so much cooler if I had said it in an English accent. And if I had thrown "love" on the end. British people are always doing that. "And chop chop, love!"
6:49 PM - "Right this way!" Are you kidding me? I'm being seated immediately?! Well, double ha ha suckers!
6:50 PM - Begin perusing menu. The Ultimate Feast looks good - 2 kinds of shrimp, lobster tail, and crab legs. Plus a side and a salad. All for $23.99. My gift certificate is for $25.
6:51 PM - My waitress comes over and gets my drink order: lemonade. I can't believe 4 minutes ago I was in the rain-soaked parking lot, and now I've already placed my drink order. I debate over the Ultimate Feast a little longer.
6:51:30 PM - Take out my notepad to record these interesting travelogue notes thus far. My waitress, who is helping the table next to me, takes note.
6:52 PM - Waitress comes over from the other table without going back to the kitchen first. I order the Ultimate Feast. I am a nursing mom. But didn't I just tell Andrea I wanted to lose 10 pounds? Not tonight!
6:52:30 PM - My waitress is already back at my table with my biscuits and salad. Hmm... I'm dining alone, my makeup (of course) looks impeccable, and I'm writing in my notebook while I eat. I think she thinks I'm a food critic. Or something. Note to self - always dine out alone with a notebook from here on out.
6:53 PM - Finish making my notes and get out my Elm Creek Quilts novel.
7:05 PM - Holy Cow! My food's already here. I just barely finished my salad. My "Ultimate Feast" doesn't look so "ultimate" now that it's in front of me.
7:30 PM - Cell phone rings. It's my dad. I had left him a voicemail while driving out to Asheville to inform him I was "going to my vacation." He thinks this is hilarious verbage. However, he's clueless. "What vacation?" he asks. "Who's with the girls?" When I tell him Michael is at home, he wants to know who I'm on my vacation with. "Me and myself," I reply. "Who's that? Have I met her?" "No Dad - myself!" "So I have met her?" "Dad, I'm here alone." "WHAT?!?" His reaction is to be expected. I've never done anything alone before. Nor have I ever wanted to. Until now...
8:00 PM - Nothing but lobster mashed potatoes left to eat. I have cleared my ENTIRE PLATE. What a pig.
8:35 PM - Still haven't seen a check. I guess my lack of British accent and lobster fork etiquette have tipped my waitress off to the fact that I'm not a food critic. So she doesn't have to worry about her customer service skills anymore.
8:52 PM - Get back to the hotel and debate whether or not to go swimming. I mean, I did just finish off enough food for three grown men. Do I really want to get into a bathing suit. Plus, I didn't get a nap today, and I am so tired.
8:53 PM -People are swimming. But they're big, fat, hairy 40-something men. That made my decision much easier.
8:54 PM - Go back to my room and have a new debate. Go to bed, or stay up and watch Twilight, which I rented specifically for this trip. Going to bed at 9:00 seems lame. But part of the reason for my vacation was to get some sleep.
9:00 PM - Decide to take a bath (I do have a Jaccuzi tub) and watch Twilight. It's been a while since I've had a night to myself to do whatever I want, uninterrupted. Plus, I bought two kinds of cookies to eat while I watch the movie. Because I didn't gorge myself enough at Red Lobster.
9:05 PM - Fill tub. Brought a little travel-sized bottle of bubble bath soap with me. Put some in the stream - nothing really happens. Decide to put the whole bottle in the water.
9:07 PM - Flip on the Jaccuzi jets. Realize putting the whole bottle of bubble bath soap was a BIG mistake.
9:08 PM - Come to the embarrassing conclusion that I may have to call hotel maintenance while I'm on my vacation. Bubbles are everywhere.
9:09 PM - Decide to make the best of a messy situation and get in the tub anyway. It's really warm. But I can't lay down because the bubbles are so high. So I sit up, but sit right in front of jet so my back gets massaged. It's relaxing, but not that relaxing, because there's 5 feet of bubbles sitting on top of the water.
9:11 PM - Decide this moment needs to be photographed. Leave a bubble trail all the way from the bathroom to the living room where the camera is.
9:55 PM - Still decide to watch Twilight, so pump while I'm watching. I guess Bella never had to pump since she was a vampire after Renesme was born.
12:00 AM - Take 2 Tylenol PM and crawl into bed. Almost fell asleep 3 times while watching the movie. Why oh why didn't I just go to bed?!? I need to get up by 9:45 in the morning to make it down to breakfast in time. Not to mention I want to have a full day at the Biltmore tomorrow. And I was looking forward to like 11 hours of sleep. When's the last time I got that? Uh, I am such an idiot. I can't believe... ZZZZ!
4:00 AM - Look at the clock. NO! This is why I took 2 Tylenol PM! So I wouldn't wake up on my nursing schedule. Why am I... ZZZZZ!
7:00 AM - Again?! Unbelie... ZZZZ!!
9:40 AM - Ugh! I guess I'd better get up. Even though I feel like I could sleep for another 5 hours. Debate whether or not to miss breakfast. But it's free. And I want to get to Biltmore. Ok, I'm up.
9:45 AM - Go down to breakfast in my jammies. Who cares, right? Bad decision. While there, realize that if I'm too self-conscious to talk in a fake British accent, I'm too self-conscious to wear my jammies to breakfast. Oh well. The eggs and sausage are good.
10:20 AM - Go back to my room and pump again. 18 OUNCES!! No wonder Rachelle is such a chunk!
11:15 AM - Found "English Teatime" tea in a basket by the coffee pot in my hotel room. You think Asheville is trying to tell me something?
Stay tuned for my trip to the Biltmore Estate...
