"No Mommy! I do it! Myself!"
Is this a phrase you hear 500,000 times a day, like me? Are you constantly finding yourself in the midst of tantrums, screaming battles, a myriad of contradictions, and lots and lots of "nervous rules*?"
*meaning you are terrified to say, do, look at, or make mention of the wrong thing for fear of causing a chain reaction of atomic behavior from which the family will never recover
The day Shaelyn turned 3, I mean the DAY, she made the decision that she (and only she) was going to dress herself from here on out. NO HELP ALLOWED! Hey, independence is great, right?!
Not when your child refuses help, even when she needs it - like when the arm sleeve is turned inside-out and both legs keep going into the same pants-leg over and over and over and the sock just doesn't want to turn the right way. Throw in time restraints (like "Preschool starts in 45 minutes..." an eternity to you and me; only enough time to put on a sock for a dawdling do-it-yourself 3-year-old) and "have to"s (like "you have to wear pants AND a shirt AND socks AND underwear"), and you end up with a tearful Mommy, a tearful Shaelyn, and a destroyed bedroom.
Enter some creative parenting! And a manual of "nervous rules."
Rule #1:
Do not stay in the room while your independent child is dressing herself. This way you can refrain from saying things (like "your left foot goes in that hole") and trying to fix things discreetly without saying things (which she ALWAYS discovers) and wanting to pull your hair out in frustration. You're happier in your oblivion of what is going in there, and she's happier knowing you can't sneakily pull her pants up over her hips when she's not being at her most vigilant.
Rule #2:
Let it stand. However she comes out of the room, that's the final say. No matter how badly it matches. Or if her pants and shirt are on backwards. Or if her pants aren't pulled up all the way. Or if both her legs are in the same leg hole of her panties, resulting in a "panty ring" above her pants, making her look like she's wearing a hula-hoop thong. Or you take her to the public library, where she tells you she has to go potty, and upon pulling down her pants to do so, you realize she has no underwear on at all. As long as her body is covered in something to keep her warm and modest, let it stand.
Rule #3:
Try covert re-dressing. On days when you have something scheduled with friends, upon your arrival, discreetly point out to another mom whatever it is that absolutely has to be fixed - like the hula-hoop thong. Then leave the room while the other mommy addresses your daughter in a lighthearted way. She will cooperate with this covert re-dressing 7 times out of 10.
Rule #4:
Only fight about clothes and dressing yourself one day a week, when it really matters. (read: church on Sunday) Then set yourself up for success in every way possible. Laying out clothes the night before, with your daughter's help. Making her sleep in her tights so she can't fight you in the morning when time is of the essence. Picking dresses she actually CAN put on herself, with minimal buttons and zippers. Point out the buttons and zippers the night before, instructing her that these are things "Mommy will have to do," getting her approval and understanding before the battle ensues in the morning. Vigilance in this area has reduced Sunday tantrums and fights TREMENDOUSLY.
Rule #5:
Create opportunities for success. This is a big rule, with a long list of applications. Enlist your daughter's help. Convert from a dresser with drawers that bunch everything up and make things hard to find to an armoire that shows everything at once and resembles a "refrigerator." (It's a lot more fun to say you get your clothes out of the fridge than a drawer.) Ask her what shelf she would like her shirts on, pants on, jammies on... Then let her put her own clothes away after they've been washed and folded. (And refrain from trying to fix the clothes when they inevitably become unfolded and wrinkled in the clothing refrigerator.) Have a box that panties go in, and a box for socks. Take the extra time when your folding the laundry to have everything in a "ready to put on" state - clothes turned right-side out, pants legs and shirt sleeves straight and easy to access, footy jammies completely unzipped. And while your daughter is at a friend's house, sneak into her fridge and draw smiley faces on the inside of the front of all her panties. At a time when she's calm (and NOT getting dressed, about to get dressed, having just gotten dressed...), point out that if she can see the smiley face, she'll know which hole to put which leg in.
Rule #6:
Smile, smile, smile! Stay calm and give it a few weeks. Because she will get better at it. And she'll start coming out of her room with all her clothes on, and even facing the right way. She'll start coming out of her room after 10 minutes instead of 40. She'll even excitedly say in the morning, "Mommy, I'm going to go get dressed!" And you'll hear her talking to herself through her door. "Can you see the smiley face? Yes! Put your leg in here! I need two socks. O...n...n...n...n...e sock. (grunting with exertion) T...w...o...o...o...o socks! (exclaiming with excitement)"
