One week nursing-free

I nursed Shaelyn last Monday for the last time. This past week for me has been a mess of hormones, emotions, lack of sleep, and now pain! Many of you may not know this, but I did NOT want to breastfeed any of my babies, ever. I understood all the benefits of it, but I just was not ok with the idea. Honestly, the whole idea of it grossed me out. But then I went into labor and the decision was made - I'm going to breastfeed this baby! Evidently, a deep-rooted conviction came over me in those 17 hours, because my nursing relationship with Shaelyn has been nothing short of difficult, and I think most people would have given up long before I did.

When Shaelyn was born, she would not nurse. She wouldn't keep her tongue down in her mouth to allow her too. Plus I had some "shape" problems (I'll spare you the details on my public blog), but being a new mom, I didn't want to supplement with formula. Next time I'll know better! Shaelyn screamed her entire first night of life, because she was STARVING! Luckily I had some GREAT lactation consultants in the hospital who worked with us and got me pumping and bottling my milk so that a) my milk would come in faster, and b) Shaelyn wouldn't starve to death. Then I was given all kinds of contraptions - something to wear when I wasn't nursing to help my shape, something to wear when I was nursing to get Shaelyn to keep her tongue in the right position, a feeding tube t0 put under my "wear while nursing contraption" that was connected to a syringe filled with breastmilk I had already pumped that I used to entice Shaelyn to suck so that my milk would let down... well, I'm exhausted thinking about it and to be honest, pretty proud of myself for sticking to it through all of that, especially since I was so anti-breastfeeding before! I was so jealous (and still am) of the women who's milk came in, baby latched on, and everything went smoothly from day one. You women have no idea how good you have it! I now know why women used to allow other nursing mothers to nurse their own babies - if it weren't for modern medicine, Shaelyn would have been one of those many babies who died of starvation shortly after birth. Thank goodness for all the modern technology that helps nursing-challenged moms like me!

Once Shaelyn got the hang of nursing, that was all she wanted to do! I loved it - all but the nighttime feedings that never ended for some reason. She went from "still needing to nurse at night" to "nursing out of habit", and I was never aware of the transition. Because she is so small for her age, her pediatrician never wanted me to wean at night - he was convinced she was hungry and needed it. So I stuck with it. But it went on long enough that it became a habit - one that was only broken after long nights with LOTS of tears (from both me and Shaelyn!). And over the 16 months that I nursed Shaelyn, I had mastitis a total of 7 times. Very painful, and very annoying!

So now that Shaelyn is weaned, I thought I was done with all the pain that accompanied the joy of nursing my daughter. Not so! I was afraid of getting mastitis as a result of the weaning process (since I am so susceptible to it), so I was very careful in making sure that I weaned gradually. And last week I thought I had been successful at weaning without any complications. Until this morning, when I woke up with the worst pain I have experienced in these 16 months. A trip to the doctor confirmed a clogged milk duct which has not yet progressed to mastitis (thank goodness!), but is headed quickly down that road. How can I have a clogged milk duct if I am no longer nursing?! The doctor was finally able to confirm what he had suspected for some time now - I have a faulty milk duct that does not drain properly. He gave me the tools I need to get it unplugged now and avoid an infection, but the sad truth remains:

I will have to deal with this problem through nursing all of my other children.

But I have become an expert at recognizing the symptoms well before the infection hits, so I will just have to be vigilant with each baby.

And funny enough, none of the above is enough a deterrent to discourage me from nursing all my other children. The benefits for me have far outweighed the negative sides. So this week, as my hormones adjusted yet again and I went through a very emotional, depressed moment in time, I reflected on all the reasons I loved nursing Shaelyn:

* The closeness I felt with her - both physically and emotionally

* The convenience (once we got the hang of it) - especially middle-of-the-night feedings when she was a newborn

* How soft her little wandering hand felt on my chest

* How cute she was when she would root as a newborn

* How nursing when she was upset would immediately calm her down (and me too!) - and it really builds your confidence as a new mom that you really CAN take care of this baby

* When she got older, how she could make eye contact with me while nursing - and those looks could never be duplicated any other time during any other activity

* All the little slurping, sucking, and swallowing noises she would make that I thought would gross me out but really became some of the cutest noises I'd ever heard

* Her favorite activity as a toddler still nursing: putting her feet in my face and laughing about it

* When she was a little baby and pull off while nursing and milk would spray everywhere - at first this was annoying, but then it became quite funny

* How she could distinguish me from everyone else within days of being born because I was the only one who could nurse her

* How warm she was up against me

I'd better stop making the list before I start crying again! So as I say goodbye to that beautiful relationship that only Shaelyn and I could share, I look forward to all the other ways we will bond as mother and daughter. And I especially look forward to nursing-free nights and waking up in the morning without the pain associated with nursing!