My life is taking place on a battlefield. The battle ebbs and flows, sometimes dwindling down to nothing, other times raging to a full atomic fall-out. I'm grateful that it comes in waves. If it were a constant barrage, I don't think I could handle it.
I believe the battle is in full swing yet again.
We've been able to enjoy a few short months of the ebbing battle. Cooperation. Listening. Obedience. Overall happiness. It's been wonderful. I've soaked in every moment, praying it could last. That perhaps this time the pendulum wouldn't swing the other way. That we could be stuck in this mode. Hoping against all hope that the battle has been outgrown, overcome.
Tonight was an exhausting night full of yelling, screaming, hitting, slapping, throwing, tears, and even a bruised foot (mine).
After a 10-minute break from each other, I tentatively approached. My eyes blurry and swollen from the tears, I peeked in to see another pathetic face. Pale skin accented with red, angry blotches. Puffy eyes. A snotty nose.
"Mommy, you happy?" broke the ice.
"Well, I'm calm. I'm coming to see how you feel."
We talked about feelings, with the words angry and frustrated being used multiple times. We talked about consequences and inappropriate behavior. We calmly discussed what had transpired over the last 40 minutes.
Finally, the calm facade fell away. Through a trembling lip, the little voice quietly asked:
"Mommy, do you love me?"
All anger and resentment melted away. All frustration and fury were lost as fresh tears ran down my face. But these were different tears. Desperate tears. I scooped her up, clung to her tiny form, as I reassured her over and over again that I loved her. More than anything. Her little body, lately so resistant to any kind of affection from me, caved in and melted in my arms.
"I love you, too, Mommy. I'm so sorry, Mommy."
We said a special prayer together. Then I carried her to her bed. And laid down with her, at her request. We put our foreheads together and snuggled under the blanket. She threw her arm around my neck and said:
"Mommy, you love me."
Yes I do, sweetheart.
